Popcorn Mountain

Think about the amount of popcorn bought in cinemas across the World everyday, and then think about the amount actually eaten. Can there possibly be anything less efficient than popcorn? The Luddite went to the movies the other day (they have sound now you know) and couldn’t help seeing popcorn as one giant sweet (or salty) metaphor for the world we live in today.

We are obsessed with getting ‘value for money’, raised in a society where far more than we need equates to enough and big is better. No-one ever eats all the popcorn, most of it ends up in your lap or under the seat and even the smallest size available is roughly analogous to an oil tanker. The cinema however has to justify its inflated prices by offering inflated portion sizes knowing full well that they can simply empty the Hoover bag back into the dispenser the following day.
It’s time to call their bluff fellow luddites. Next time you go to the movies and there are ten or so people in front of you in the queue for confectionary do a quick straw poll to see who wants popcorn. Purchase a small container and divide it up amongst everyone there (you can use the paper cups from the mega sized soda dispenser) everyone will be perfectly satisfied with the amount (although it may be best to go for a mix of salt and sweet just to be on the safe side) and you will be making the first steps toward a better world.

Be aware I’m not trying to turn this into a coke commercial or make some hackneyed point about famine in Africa or whatever; this is about a society that doesn’t want to go large, doesn’t equate big with best and believes that enough is quite adequate thank you very much. We live in a world blighted by excess, littered with waste and unnecessary choice, popcorn is the thin end of the wedge. We are led to believe we are getting ‘value’ because we are given more than we can possibly consume which is nonsense. So let’s spread the love, save our fellow movie goers a few quid and annoy popcorn manufacturers everywhere.

The British Summer - An Apology

Hasn't the worst thing about this Summer (other than the absolutely appalling weather) been the complete lack of someone to blame? We live in such a blame culture these days, where everything is someones fault and there is no such thing as an accident. Everytime a tragedy occurs we look for negligence and someone's head on a plate, but this Summer has come somewhat out of the blue (and in to the grey). We were ready for 'Global warming' and were blaming either the American's and their SUVs or the developing world for having the temerity to want to own cars, but ceaseless rain and cold has been harder to attribute to anyone.

So, bearing that in mind, it's time for the Luddite to come clean. After a wonderful April, with sunshine and short sleeves, the Luddite decided that it was time to invest in some garden furniture. Not just any old garden furniture, but something reasonably fancy and costing more than is strictly sensible. This furniture arrived at the beginning of May and luckily included a cover to keep the rain off. It arrived at 10am, was assembled by noon and covered by 1.30. Only twice since then has the cover come off for any period of time which, on the plus side, means that my garden furniture still looks lovely and clean. It also means that, quite clearly, this appalling Summer is down to me and my ridiculous attempt to 'sex up' my patio. So please accept my apologies and feel free to use my name in vain when struggling through the snow, in July. It was expensive but if next year doesn't improve you have my word that I'll burn the damn thing to the ground.

Science Fiction

The Luddite is suspicious of Science Fiction in general and wants this made clear in advance. Star Trek for example is set in “the future”, a wholly improbable place where fierce alien races fear octogenarians in velour jumpers and being bald is no barrier to success. Homer Simpson for one knows this is untrue and centuries of progress are far more likely to bring a decent hair restorer than an acceptance of male pattern baldness. In the same vein with the current increase in obesity, fat people seem poorly represented in this utopian future with sliding doors that go ‘whoosh’.
Star Wars is equally questionable, despite being set a ‘long time ago’ in a galaxy ‘far far away’. It may start well, and any galaxy where small cuddly bears armed only with nets and stones can bring down a race of highly trained laser equipped crack storm troopers is a clear endorsement of Luddism. However The Luddite holds no truck with notions of ‘the force’ which is way too close to Russell Grant and Uri Geller territory, one minute you’re bending spoons, the next your lifting X-Wing fighters from a swamp in the Dagoba system. It’s not big or clever, and Alec Guinness should have known better.
The Luddite is, however, a sucker for 1970’s Dr. Who, despite having access to time travel and the unflinching belief that a police box looks inconspicuous throughout the universe, the Doctor is a prize luddite. He neither trusts nor understands technology and continually makes vague references to Neutron flows and force fields which he clearly knows nothing about. For every televised adventure where he gets it right, a hundred others show him blowing the whole place sky high and strolling away whistling. He is, much like the Luddite, a man out of time, and never better embodied than by Pertwee and Baker. He hates progress, and abhors posh weaponry and plans of galactic domination which he foils with a cheeky grin, a bag of jelly babies and in some cases ancient Venusian lullabys, fantastic.